Night time

I have been asked, "what is really so hard about my life?" And the answer is sometimes hard to explain because I have what would be seen as an okay life, but it is NIGHT TIME. There is never a time that you are more aware of how alone you are than the middle of the night or more aware of the problems that plague you. I cannot sleep. I do not want to. I will fight it until my eyes and head hurt enough to convince me otherwise. This usually occurs between the hours of 3-7 depending on the day's events. Laying there alone waiting for my mind to stop racing, waiting for sleep to make all the thoughts and images go away seems to last forever. But I will sleep. And I will not want to wake up. This is deep sleep. I will wake, but see no need to get up. I just want to lay still and fall back into the quietness of my mind. But I fall into a light sleep where my problems and worst fears are played out in vivet dreams that feel so real. I wake up several times thinking horrible things have happened while I was sleeping away my life. Finally there is some moment where I have to get up for work, beverage, etc. It is usually the afternoon, and the sleep ritual has lasted some 8-12 hours. And I do not feel recharged or ready to face anything more than I did the day before. I do not want to look in the mirror. And for a moment, I am glad I am alone because I wouldn't want anyone to see what has become of me in this moment. When I finally see myself, I look so washed out. I look yellow and sickly.

And the best part of it all is I have lost the better part of another day and know that the pattern will continue on yet another night when the night time arrives. If only I could fall asleep satisfied in anything or wake up just every once in a while hopeful... but I cannot.

I miss more than anything: hope.