And I wonder...

I wonder if I am intelligent. So many times I have found myself wondering am I smart or ignorant. I know this must seem like a strange comment, but I don't know the answer.

Yeah so I have always placed high on tests, had an interest in the arts, literature, and theory, been able to think outside the box, and shown creative ability, but my abilities haven't kept me from coming to this moment in my life, feeling a failure. I push myself so hard academically, I crumble. How is that possible? With all I have read and learned, how can I not function like an ordinary person?

Does anyone ever believe they are unintelligent? Would admitting that you were prove in fact you weren't? I believe if I had been as smart as I thought I was, I wouldn't have become this person. I would have a better life. I wouldn't have given in so easily. I would have pushed harder like I know I should be able to.

And yet, ignorance is bliss. I understand that. I look around at the world and wish I didn't know things I knew. That I didn't know about all the bad in this world that seems to be launched at us on every news program aired. That I didn't know about people who suffer, about environments being destroyed, about problems that don't have solutions. Because I know so much that it pains me, does that mean I am not ignorant?

So, what do I do with this question and fear? I push myself. To learn as much as I can. To understand foreign topics. To see how things function. To look at the world through different eyes. To take in facts on various subjects for no reason particular. And when I stumble, I am angry and disappointed. "Surely, a smart person would know that/ be able to do that"... So I read more, observe more, question more, research more, ask more. But why?

I have made my life's work the pursuit of knowledge. To gain as much as I can fathom and to tuck it away in my catalog for who knows what purpose. Why did I take on this path?

I told myself I would only be happy if I continued to learn as much as I could for my entire life. When I learn something, I am excited. I am proud that I have another piece of truth and understanding. But even with my enjoyment of learning, I am not happy and I question purpose and reason.

I fear I did it to prove I was smart enough. I fear I did it because I saw a dumb little girl who could be something big. I fear I did it to be better than others.

And I fear I did it, because I knew I would fail. If all my life I have set up my own ways of destroying my dreams and faith, then isn't this the easiest way. And now, what do I do?

I will tell you what I do. I tell myself the only way to be happy is to be knowledgeable. That I will never know as much as I want to. That when I took on this task I had a good heart and faith. That one day I will find faith in myself again. One day I won't see my life as a failure but as the most enriching experience I could have known. I won't wonder why I did it; I will just be happy I did. I won't care if I fit the definition of intelligent. And I will be happy that all the times I thought I should walk away from this dream I didn't.

I wrote before about quiting. I don't think I could ever quit this path even if I wanted to. It isn't in my nature, to not want to know everything.

well, I always ramble. But since few (D) read this, I guess I am okay.
with that I am out!!