Can anyone tell me how long you wait before...

While I have never known how long to wait before swimming after eating, this isn't that question. I need for someone to tell me how long you wait for things to work out. Right now, I care for someone who doesn't see me. And I am forced to wonder will he never see me as I would like him to or do I just give it time, time to grow. I know I have written about this before but for other matters. It is just now I see myself getting hurt a lot faster than I did before. Or I fear the pain that I once thought would be manageable. When you have proven yourself to be a person who inflicts pain on themselves for sport, how do you know you are making the right decision when someone else may be hurting you emotionally? I want to be loved and cared for. And I see in this person so much and I hurt knowing it probably will not work. I have done so many horrible things in my life to ruin friendships, to destroy dreams, to lose family. This time, I want to be strong enough to let someone love me and to give a friendship the time it needs to become something beautiful and unforseen. But how long? I can't say I have lost my best years, because these have been some of the worst. But if this time now is to be my best years, will I end up thinking I wasted them on something that was in my head, for the sake of having something else to beat myself up over? To those of you who don't know me, you probably don't understand. But to those who have known the way my mind twists things around into something so complex it isn't understandable, help me now. Tell me how to be patient. Tell me how to breath. Tell me how to walk away. Tell me how to dream.

Houston Ballet

Well, on Saturday evening, I attended Swan Lake preformed by the Houston Ballet Company at Wortham. It was beautiful. The artistic director this year decided to make over the production with added dancing and new sets and costumes. Quite lovely. I had been waiting for the show for months having bought my ticket last September. I attended alone. No surprise there. It was a great night out on the town.

Image featured here is from the official site.

Feelings envoked my music 1

Here is a collection of some of my favorite artists, selected videos, and my reactions to a few of their songs. Videos were selected from what was available and for a variety of reasons. Several songs that I enjoy from these artists didn't make the list, but may appear in other posts.

Goo Goo Dolls

Better Days hope
Iris love
Name sadness
I'm Still Here (j.r.) determination/love/growth

Our Lady Peace

Life getting through it

4am me on a not so good day

Is Anybody Home? part of something bigger

U2

Elevation smiley, happy

Beautiful Day peace

Sweetest Thing giving/receiving apologies

A Perfect Circle

Blue all the times you lie to yourself

3 Libras calmness

Sleeping Beauty my cruising music

Third Eye Blind

Semi-Charmed Life just feeling good

Good for You memories of a relationship

Deep Inside of You feeling love

I still have many artists and songs to go, so this series will continue in future posts. Check back.

Pictures in Parts (part 1)

Well over these four posts, I hope to share with you a large quantity of photos. I do hope you like some of them. Part of what makes this project fun is your feedback through comments and emails. Please, keep them coming as I will the photos.


bus pass/tree
2-21/2-20


me/me
2-19/2-18


dark in houston/freaky
2-17


baytown skies
2-16

Pictures in Parts (part 2)

cloudy2/cloudy afternoon/drive home/old sign/evening/gray
2-15

Pictures in Parts (part 3)

fluffy/framed/cloudy/sun/rooftop/rooftop 2

2-14

Pictures in Parts (part 4)

branches/hot chocolate (w/ all the extras)
2-13/2-12


full moon/nighttime
2-11/2-10

Perhaps, you are wondering why my photo posts are in parts... Well, curious george, the reason is blogger starts going crazy when you have a zillion photos in one post. trust me....

People, I hope you comment on my images. Click the comment button. You there, you can do it. And if for some reason these images or others are not loading correctly for your viewing pleasure, please say something.

with that I am out!!

It's time for some previews, boys and girls....

You guys know how I love movies, so I have hunted down some previews for upcoming movies that I will surely be seeing. I hope these films capture your interest as they do mine. Enjoy!









Of course, more clips will follow in the future. As well, as my picks for movies being released on dvd in the upcoming months.

I'm out.

Simple update....

Friday was a busy day. I got my paycheck, recieved my tax return, went to the bank, did laundry, paid bills, cooked lunch, went to work (3-11:30), grabbed drive-thru for dinner, got stuff in traffic going down the Richmond Strip (it's a club night), got home after midnight, saw the last showing of Underworld 2 (I had a free ticket about to end, I would rate the movie - fair), and finally realized on my walk home at 2:30 am that I hadn't taken a photo. So, people I rushed in, got the camera and did a quick shoot. So, I was a few hours late. I will be posting new images this weekend, but I had to get that off my chest. I mean it was a busy day, it happens. umm, I am a cheater... oh well....

I'm out.

Book Review 1

This review is for my reading over the first 6 weeks of the year. The three titles that follow are all juvenile/ young adult titles that capture the imagination and beg of you to read the counterparts of their series. They are:

• The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis (Chronicles of Narnia, book 2)
• So You Want To Be a Wizard by Diane Duane (Young Wizards, book 1)
• Deep Wizardry by Diane Duane (Young Wizards, book 2)

First, a look at a book that opens to another land. After seeing the movie at the beginning of the year, I was drawn to read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. While the movie and book differ only slightly, both are worth your time. For of those unfamiliar with the plot, four young English children are transported magically to another land through a wardrobe. Once there, they learn of an evil queen or witch who has caused the land to be suspended in an endless winter. With the help of the true king, a lion, the four children rise up against her and fight. The story incorporates strong family ties, a sacrifice, and strength to overcome creating something you wish you could be a part of. The story reads fast and is fairly short. (The movie differs from the book by adding scenes for length.) The Christian beliefs of C.S. Lewis are apparent but well written into the book as to not be forceful. I would recommend this book and series to readers of all ages. I am thankful to a teacher in elementary school who opened my eyes to this classic.

Now, a look at the first two books of the Young Wizards series. I came upon these titles working at Brentano's in the children's section. After reading the entire series (available) of Harry Potter, I had always wanted to read and compare other wizard stories. This series continues to grow with new titles still arriving even after 20 years. Nita learns of her abilities as a wizard from a book she finds. She joins with Kit who is also a novice wizard, and they embark to try and save the world. In this series, the plight of a wizard is to help slow the death of the earth and fight the Lone Power that represents death. In their first adventure, a simple spell turns into a mission to save a magical book that has the fate of the universe tied to it. Nita and Kit search another realm to save the book and return it to safety. In their second adventure, our two wizards join whales deep in the Atlantic to help calm the seas and save Manhattan from seaquakes. Both books include an array of characters that become friends with the main characters. What I enjoy about this series is the young wizards are self-taught, learning their trade together, seeking help from their seniors rarely. The descriptions of speaking to nature and understanding plants, animals, and machines are delightful and wimzical. I would recommend this series to young readers who enjoyed Harry Potter but want a different look of what magic could be.

I have also been reading up on programming, gardening, flower arranging, and array of other domestic topics. You guys prolly don't need a review on what I thought of Home and Garden's Indoor Gardening book. But if you do, you let me know.

A turn in the right direction...

Well, as some of you might know, I was in counseling for everything that has happened to me and for my 'condition'. Today, I finally made it to my last session. It was great. I left the office much better than when I went in and just a little more hopeful. If anything, I hope that in the future I smile more. True smiles. I have taken up more reading and photography and started cooking. It is crazy how little things can make a difference in a day's events. But everytime my shutter clicks I know I am closer to something. Everytime I absorb a new story or idea it is wonderful, and everytime my dinner doesn't come straight out of a drive-thru or frozen section I know I am closer to being able to complete everyday tasks. Everyday living has been hard lately, but I am going to figure this out. I have always been my own worst enemy and hardest critic. Now, it is time to step up and be my biggest fan, which let me say is going to be trying. It is time for me to get out in the world again and smile. So, if you see me drifting with what seems no direction, wake me up and tell me to smile. Because after I give you one of my classic fake ones, I will probably smile for real.

with that, I am out.

To someone who touches me

This song is for someone who I know doesn't read this blog, even though I wish he would. I love you, when I know you don't feel the same.

Shout out to MADONNA!!

Okay, so both of these songs have been recommended earlier, but I am featuring the videos. For these reasons: 1. I like them 2. I think it is awesome how the 2 fit together.

A way to kill the day and test your abilities....

If you are like me and live a boring, simple life, you need sudoku and kakuro!
I was immediately hooked to sudoku before the Christmas break and thought, "Hey, this is tough..." But that was before I tried Kakuro which sometimes feels like a number nightmare (in a good way). Let me say this, Sudoku comes a lot easier after you have been stuck on kakuro for a while. Trust me on that. So I have decided to picture the two books I am working out of now case you are interested. Both have a fair retail price and offer several puzzles.

Night time

I have been asked, "what is really so hard about my life?" And the answer is sometimes hard to explain because I have what would be seen as an okay life, but it is NIGHT TIME. There is never a time that you are more aware of how alone you are than the middle of the night or more aware of the problems that plague you. I cannot sleep. I do not want to. I will fight it until my eyes and head hurt enough to convince me otherwise. This usually occurs between the hours of 3-7 depending on the day's events. Laying there alone waiting for my mind to stop racing, waiting for sleep to make all the thoughts and images go away seems to last forever. But I will sleep. And I will not want to wake up. This is deep sleep. I will wake, but see no need to get up. I just want to lay still and fall back into the quietness of my mind. But I fall into a light sleep where my problems and worst fears are played out in vivet dreams that feel so real. I wake up several times thinking horrible things have happened while I was sleeping away my life. Finally there is some moment where I have to get up for work, beverage, etc. It is usually the afternoon, and the sleep ritual has lasted some 8-12 hours. And I do not feel recharged or ready to face anything more than I did the day before. I do not want to look in the mirror. And for a moment, I am glad I am alone because I wouldn't want anyone to see what has become of me in this moment. When I finally see myself, I look so washed out. I look yellow and sickly.

And the best part of it all is I have lost the better part of another day and know that the pattern will continue on yet another night when the night time arrives. If only I could fall asleep satisfied in anything or wake up just every once in a while hopeful... but I cannot.

I miss more than anything: hope.

Curious George for the masses....

Recommendation: Jack Johnson: Curious George Sdtk: Upside Down


Well, I am going to continue to include song recommendations, but when I can find the music videos, I will post those instead to make the recommendations more accessible to viewers.

Ten Days Late (part 2)

Okay, so I am not pregnant, I am late on my photos (by ten days). They follow in 2 parts:



peanut butter cookie bar with chocolate bits (crazy unhealthy)
2-9


statue with shadow/ statue without
2-8


pool/plant
2-7/2-6

Ten Days Late

attempt at the moon/strange lighting
2-5/2-4



sky collection
2-3


pool/yellow moon (camera flaw?)
2-2


Change please
2-1


flowers/close-up/moon slice
1-31

Song Recommendation: Third Eye Blind: Blue: Ten Days Late

If you are looking for some fun commercials, look no further....

Are you bored ....

... and need a way to kill a few seconds?



Well hop on over to Get Fuzzy. A new strip is featured everyday.

Star Wars and Legos come together

Lego Wars - Revenge of the Brick

This short was added as an extra to Star Wars: Clone Wars, Vol 2, but I wanted to be able to share it with you guys. For the record, if you haven't seen the animated Clone Wars, you should. Netflix 'em!

Can anyone tell me?

Can anyone tell me why I:

• can't be happy
• am always alone
• never know what to do or say
• hate myself in every aspect
• don't sleep/eat normally
• see horrible things when I dream or have mental images like flashes
• lie to everyone at one point or another about my 'health'
• lost everything going on twice
• never see the good
• haven't had a high in so long
• can't seem to take the meds
• don't know where to go with my life

Can anyone tell me the point?

Hating Bush doesn't mean you love terrorists

Okay, so I get bored very easily, so I read blogs randomly or listed at BLOGGER, and I read the comments posted after certain entries. And this is what I have to say....

Just because you are against some (or all) of the decisions George W makes doesn't mean you are against America, hate America, or want to join terrorists. Believe me I have seen all kinds of comments.

What is important is that we live in a democratic nation were we are allowed to question our leader's choices. In fact it is our right since we elect our officials. If we lived in a nation where you were not permitted to ask "Hey, is he allowed to do that?", then we would be living in a place where freedom would not exist.

I do not hate our President; why would I? I question his decisions and reasons behind them. I question if he has interests that are not of the nation's as a whole. Do foreign matters always come before domestic ones for George W? I would say yes. I don't think Bush is a bad president or bad person. I think he is a man who was given (or took on) a lot of work and doesn't know the best way to approach it all.

Now, I do not understand his statements regarding the Patriot Act or his choosing to violate people's privacy. It was my understanding that the Intelligence agencies already monitored people with any connections or ties to terrorists. But, if he took on extra privileges that we felt were his right why not be more honest in the beginning? Does the telling to a few key congressmen cover his actions?

As far as rebuilding efforts? You will never hear me say that I wish Saddam was still in power in Iraq, but freeing a people, telling them how to run their country, and rebuilding it? Not completely this country's job. And since the trial for Saddam seems to always result in delays or require a new judge, I am not sure how successful the US was. If rebuilding efforts are so important, let's get some people in the gulf coast area and rebuild a city first before a country. I am going to go out on a limb and say that no one is going to shoot you or blow you up with their car if you go. (Yes, I am aware that not all Iraqis are against aid just some extremists.) Instead, I am guessing that they would probably offer a glass of lemonade or soda at the end of the day just for helping them clear the remains of their old house or business. But it is not just this one city. Throughout the past year, terrible natural disasters hit all over the country leaving thousands without homes, jobs, or faith. Hurricanes in several areas, tornadoes, mud slides, flooding, fires, you name it brought destruction home.

But people, questioning a national leader's actions is not anywhere close to joining the 'bad guys.' Concern for your country and your freedoms is one of the best displays of what this country is about.

For people who dislike our President's actions or comments, get involved in government. Vote on all levels: federal, state, and local. It may be your state rep. sitting there saying his behavior is okay or not. Write, email, or call your reps. You will be amazed how much certain mayors, governors, and state congressmen can affect your way of life (depending on your state's/city's laws).

well, with that, I am out, for the moment.

And I wonder...

I wonder if I am intelligent. So many times I have found myself wondering am I smart or ignorant. I know this must seem like a strange comment, but I don't know the answer.

Yeah so I have always placed high on tests, had an interest in the arts, literature, and theory, been able to think outside the box, and shown creative ability, but my abilities haven't kept me from coming to this moment in my life, feeling a failure. I push myself so hard academically, I crumble. How is that possible? With all I have read and learned, how can I not function like an ordinary person?

Does anyone ever believe they are unintelligent? Would admitting that you were prove in fact you weren't? I believe if I had been as smart as I thought I was, I wouldn't have become this person. I would have a better life. I wouldn't have given in so easily. I would have pushed harder like I know I should be able to.

And yet, ignorance is bliss. I understand that. I look around at the world and wish I didn't know things I knew. That I didn't know about all the bad in this world that seems to be launched at us on every news program aired. That I didn't know about people who suffer, about environments being destroyed, about problems that don't have solutions. Because I know so much that it pains me, does that mean I am not ignorant?

So, what do I do with this question and fear? I push myself. To learn as much as I can. To understand foreign topics. To see how things function. To look at the world through different eyes. To take in facts on various subjects for no reason particular. And when I stumble, I am angry and disappointed. "Surely, a smart person would know that/ be able to do that"... So I read more, observe more, question more, research more, ask more. But why?

I have made my life's work the pursuit of knowledge. To gain as much as I can fathom and to tuck it away in my catalog for who knows what purpose. Why did I take on this path?

I told myself I would only be happy if I continued to learn as much as I could for my entire life. When I learn something, I am excited. I am proud that I have another piece of truth and understanding. But even with my enjoyment of learning, I am not happy and I question purpose and reason.

I fear I did it to prove I was smart enough. I fear I did it because I saw a dumb little girl who could be something big. I fear I did it to be better than others.

And I fear I did it, because I knew I would fail. If all my life I have set up my own ways of destroying my dreams and faith, then isn't this the easiest way. And now, what do I do?

I will tell you what I do. I tell myself the only way to be happy is to be knowledgeable. That I will never know as much as I want to. That when I took on this task I had a good heart and faith. That one day I will find faith in myself again. One day I won't see my life as a failure but as the most enriching experience I could have known. I won't wonder why I did it; I will just be happy I did. I won't care if I fit the definition of intelligent. And I will be happy that all the times I thought I should walk away from this dream I didn't.

I wrote before about quiting. I don't think I could ever quit this path even if I wanted to. It isn't in my nature, to not want to know everything.

well, I always ramble. But since few (D) read this, I guess I am okay.
with that I am out!!