It's been awhile, I guess, and it isn't looking good....

Well, people... things aren't looking good. I have 2 days of class left and then FINALS. At this moment, I could easily fail all 3 classes. Most people wouldn't look at it this way... but when the math is stacked against you, it isn't pretty. I could also pass all 3, but this I must admit will be the hardest thing ever like Ace-ing the final tests, A's on finals, and asking for late work to be accepted, or some crazy combo of said options. What does all this matter? Well, I need a 2.0 this semester or I am getting the boot for the second time. Only, getting back into school the next time will be VERY hard. And by VERY I mean like the hardest thing you have ever done to get in anything. Not only will I have to wait a year even to apply to get back in, but I will have to go through appeals, essays, and interviews, change my major for the 3rd/4th? time, go through another appeal with FinAid just for a chance at a PELL grant and loan for me to pay for part of class, along with other unforseen problems that I know will be there. Plus, I have to wonder how I will ever be able to explain my poor grades to future schools (ie grad school) and employers. Now, perhaps, readers are like ... "why did she allow herself to be in this position"... and I will tell you.

This semester has been one of the hardest of my life for no apparent reason at all. My 'illness' seems to have completely taken over me about 90% of the time. I can't focus, remember what I am supposed to do, or more correctly, have no drive to do the things I know I need to do. For those who don't know, I am on strong med's that drive me crazy, so I don't even want to take them but still try to. I am in the doctor's and counselor's offices often. Sometimes once a week; sometimes 3 times a week. I have begun walking away from treatment primarily because of the cost of visits, meds, tests, and constant blood tests.

What does the next 2 weeks hold for me? I do not know. What will happen with school? I don't know. I do know that in 2 weeks, I will be 23. And I will be exactly in the same place I was when I turned 20, getting kicked out of UH the first time, feeling like I was losing my mind and my life. Have I learned from my 'mistakes'? I guess I can say no. Perhaps, I pull this all out in the end. But even if I do, should I attempt school in the spring? I think not. I don't think I am supposed to be what my dreams are. I don't think I am strong enough mentally to "be what I want to be when I grow up". I just feel like I have lost my mind and don't know how it happened. Of course, updates will follow.

In other news, I lost my mom.
I asked my mother, if you can call her that, to never speak to me again or attempt to see me. I told her that I would like to never see her again for the things she has done in my life. She had the nerve to tell me that she "prays for me and prays I change my mind in the future when I see things differently". She said something about me understanding when I become a mom. The hell I will; I told her it would only make me realize more so how she failed as a mother these last 8 years. She cried at all this, how touching. What a selfish liar. I was touched by something someone told me when I spoke about issues with my 'mom'. I said I wanted a mother, who doesn't? She said, "Sometimes the things we want aren't things we need". I spend several days thinking about this and came to the conclusion that for the last 8 years of my life I have been seeking others to fill this void I have and the role of mother. It made me realize that I had lost my mother years ago. I can say at the moment, that I have the mom I have always wanted in someone else. God bless her for her love and kindness.

Onto other news... work is going okay. Christmas decorations are up, and I am hoping for guests. I am learning to bowl again without calculating my average every frame and counting pins like it is life or death. Believe me, these actions take all the fun out of it. So, I am getting better in that sense, but overall I still suck. A while back, I learned how to be a good loser and not be competitive with others; somehow I became competitive with myself instead. But then again, I am hard on myself all the time, so what's new.

Finally, I want to give shout outs to my dad and brothers for how they are helping me overcome this part of my life. Primarily daniel. My life has become so messed up and I don't know who to turn to sometimes, so I call/IM him. And let me say this: he keeps busy, still with all he goes through and does, he takes time to pass me words of wisdom, strength, and laughter. If I get to be what I want when I 'grow up' or when I am 'better/cured', I want to be like my brothers.

For now, I am out. Please note: didn't check for errors, and I could prolly talk more about everything... maybe I will later.

song recommendation: Something Corporate: North: The Runaway