I am loving it! And I am not talking McD's

Okay, so there is the rundown promised yesterday.

I had a change of heart and decided that even if I do end up following the medical withdrawal path, I owe it to myself to try and see what could happen. I have contacted two profs and have decided to stick it out. While I imagine I will fail, why not go out with a bang. And the programming class I have passed all semester I will pass easily so why not finish. Okay, this is the fun part. To finish the semester without a medical withdrawal and suspension, I have to ace all 3 finals. I will still have to retake the 2 classes anyways, but let's not look at that right now. So, why do this. Because this is what I was born to do. I am supposed to be a student, absorbing knowledge. If I am going to be a papertowel, I am going to be a bounty or brawny. That was horrible I know. But I have only wanted to go to college to learn as much as I can. I wanted to go to great schools to learn even more and be on the edge of new knowledge and research. I care about gradestoo, all too much actually. But this semester, it isn't about grades. It is about actually believing that I can control what is happening to me. That I do have a say in these mood swings. That I am the person I want to be. That person is possible. Not walking away from my passion looking at myself like a failure. Okay, well, whatever happens, for these few days I am happy. I am not completely hopeless or helpless. I can help myself by having hope and faith in myself. For those people always being there, thank you. And when I try to push you away I don't really mean it. Look, I may never have the life I want, but the life I have I am going to do what I can with it.

A special note to D: Sometimes things suck. Sometimes life is crap. But for all that has happened in your life, all the sucky, crappy things, you have made it through. You are still waking up every morning and taking each day at a time, pushing on. Whatever it is you are dealing with now, you can make it through. You always have. Sometimes I am so selfish when I come to you with my issues, because I know you deal with the same ones and much harder ones as well. But I come to you time and time again because of your strength, your faith in the future and in others, and your desire to make your life the best it can be when handed the worst of situations. I know the climb to the top of a hill (or mountain) sucks, but the feeling at the top is worth it. I know you can overcome anything, even if you don't know it yourself.

people, with that, I am out. Must find food and practice triple integrals (which I actually like).

random song recommendation: Lisa Loeb: Firecracker: I do

I have great news!!

People, I am going to fight it out. Check back for details. I have to run to work, but for now know that the world has never looked better to me than it has these last 48 hours.

I'm out.


random song recommendation: Madonna: Confessions on a Dance Floor: Hung Up

I made my choice.

Today, only hours ago, I decided to completely give up on the semester as a whole and try for a medical withdrawal. With letters from my counselor and doctor regarding the treatment I have been pursuing these few months, it should go thru. What am I thinking? Well, I don't know whether to return in the spring or return at all. And I think this was the most expensive mistake I have made thus far in my life, minus maybe three years ago with this the first time when I lost all chance of having my scholarships back. I have the decision of whether to attempt the finals and see what could happen case the MW doesn't go thru. Note my last one went thru but the profs decided not to grant the change. But I don't think it is worth it really. I have a few days I guess.

I missed 2 tests today. I don't know why. The first: my alarm wasn't set correctly and I woke up and realized that due to busing I would miss at least half of the test if not more. The second: I was at school and decided it wasn't worth it.

Let me say this: I believe education and knowledge are the most important things in my life. Or at least they have been. Gaining this immeasurable amount of knowledge has been my dream since I was a child. As my dad could easily tell you, I was in college to be a student. I didn't know when I was going to finish because I never really wanted to. I wanted to learn everything and share this knowledge with others. Somewhere in all this, I lost that desire to learn to learn and had to go to school to correct all my past mistakes. If I only had this grade or that GPA it could make 3 years ago go away. But, alas, while mathematically, I could still prevail and complete all my classes with enough to pull a 2.0 and continue at UH. The drive isn't there. Even with my love of math, I don't want to look at each test for the rest of my life and know what percent it is valued at and how that percent effects the grade and in turn the semester and the rest of my UH life. I do plan on continuing my education, but how and when I do not know. I remember loving to read, to attend class, and to tutor. But that love has been shadowed with my desire to prove myself. It's just that I realized that the only person I have to prove anything to is myself. And this kill myself method isn't doing anything for me right now.

I guess that is it for now, I am out. (worktime)

random song recommendation: Third Eye Blind: Third Eye Blind: Good for you

It's been awhile, I guess, and it isn't looking good....

Well, people... things aren't looking good. I have 2 days of class left and then FINALS. At this moment, I could easily fail all 3 classes. Most people wouldn't look at it this way... but when the math is stacked against you, it isn't pretty. I could also pass all 3, but this I must admit will be the hardest thing ever like Ace-ing the final tests, A's on finals, and asking for late work to be accepted, or some crazy combo of said options. What does all this matter? Well, I need a 2.0 this semester or I am getting the boot for the second time. Only, getting back into school the next time will be VERY hard. And by VERY I mean like the hardest thing you have ever done to get in anything. Not only will I have to wait a year even to apply to get back in, but I will have to go through appeals, essays, and interviews, change my major for the 3rd/4th? time, go through another appeal with FinAid just for a chance at a PELL grant and loan for me to pay for part of class, along with other unforseen problems that I know will be there. Plus, I have to wonder how I will ever be able to explain my poor grades to future schools (ie grad school) and employers. Now, perhaps, readers are like ... "why did she allow herself to be in this position"... and I will tell you.

This semester has been one of the hardest of my life for no apparent reason at all. My 'illness' seems to have completely taken over me about 90% of the time. I can't focus, remember what I am supposed to do, or more correctly, have no drive to do the things I know I need to do. For those who don't know, I am on strong med's that drive me crazy, so I don't even want to take them but still try to. I am in the doctor's and counselor's offices often. Sometimes once a week; sometimes 3 times a week. I have begun walking away from treatment primarily because of the cost of visits, meds, tests, and constant blood tests.

What does the next 2 weeks hold for me? I do not know. What will happen with school? I don't know. I do know that in 2 weeks, I will be 23. And I will be exactly in the same place I was when I turned 20, getting kicked out of UH the first time, feeling like I was losing my mind and my life. Have I learned from my 'mistakes'? I guess I can say no. Perhaps, I pull this all out in the end. But even if I do, should I attempt school in the spring? I think not. I don't think I am supposed to be what my dreams are. I don't think I am strong enough mentally to "be what I want to be when I grow up". I just feel like I have lost my mind and don't know how it happened. Of course, updates will follow.

In other news, I lost my mom.
I asked my mother, if you can call her that, to never speak to me again or attempt to see me. I told her that I would like to never see her again for the things she has done in my life. She had the nerve to tell me that she "prays for me and prays I change my mind in the future when I see things differently". She said something about me understanding when I become a mom. The hell I will; I told her it would only make me realize more so how she failed as a mother these last 8 years. She cried at all this, how touching. What a selfish liar. I was touched by something someone told me when I spoke about issues with my 'mom'. I said I wanted a mother, who doesn't? She said, "Sometimes the things we want aren't things we need". I spend several days thinking about this and came to the conclusion that for the last 8 years of my life I have been seeking others to fill this void I have and the role of mother. It made me realize that I had lost my mother years ago. I can say at the moment, that I have the mom I have always wanted in someone else. God bless her for her love and kindness.

Onto other news... work is going okay. Christmas decorations are up, and I am hoping for guests. I am learning to bowl again without calculating my average every frame and counting pins like it is life or death. Believe me, these actions take all the fun out of it. So, I am getting better in that sense, but overall I still suck. A while back, I learned how to be a good loser and not be competitive with others; somehow I became competitive with myself instead. But then again, I am hard on myself all the time, so what's new.

Finally, I want to give shout outs to my dad and brothers for how they are helping me overcome this part of my life. Primarily daniel. My life has become so messed up and I don't know who to turn to sometimes, so I call/IM him. And let me say this: he keeps busy, still with all he goes through and does, he takes time to pass me words of wisdom, strength, and laughter. If I get to be what I want when I 'grow up' or when I am 'better/cured', I want to be like my brothers.

For now, I am out. Please note: didn't check for errors, and I could prolly talk more about everything... maybe I will later.

song recommendation: Something Corporate: North: The Runaway