I am loving it! And I am not talking McD's

Okay, so there is the rundown promised yesterday.

I had a change of heart and decided that even if I do end up following the medical withdrawal path, I owe it to myself to try and see what could happen. I have contacted two profs and have decided to stick it out. While I imagine I will fail, why not go out with a bang. And the programming class I have passed all semester I will pass easily so why not finish. Okay, this is the fun part. To finish the semester without a medical withdrawal and suspension, I have to ace all 3 finals. I will still have to retake the 2 classes anyways, but let's not look at that right now. So, why do this. Because this is what I was born to do. I am supposed to be a student, absorbing knowledge. If I am going to be a papertowel, I am going to be a bounty or brawny. That was horrible I know. But I have only wanted to go to college to learn as much as I can. I wanted to go to great schools to learn even more and be on the edge of new knowledge and research. I care about gradestoo, all too much actually. But this semester, it isn't about grades. It is about actually believing that I can control what is happening to me. That I do have a say in these mood swings. That I am the person I want to be. That person is possible. Not walking away from my passion looking at myself like a failure. Okay, well, whatever happens, for these few days I am happy. I am not completely hopeless or helpless. I can help myself by having hope and faith in myself. For those people always being there, thank you. And when I try to push you away I don't really mean it. Look, I may never have the life I want, but the life I have I am going to do what I can with it.

A special note to D: Sometimes things suck. Sometimes life is crap. But for all that has happened in your life, all the sucky, crappy things, you have made it through. You are still waking up every morning and taking each day at a time, pushing on. Whatever it is you are dealing with now, you can make it through. You always have. Sometimes I am so selfish when I come to you with my issues, because I know you deal with the same ones and much harder ones as well. But I come to you time and time again because of your strength, your faith in the future and in others, and your desire to make your life the best it can be when handed the worst of situations. I know the climb to the top of a hill (or mountain) sucks, but the feeling at the top is worth it. I know you can overcome anything, even if you don't know it yourself.

people, with that, I am out. Must find food and practice triple integrals (which I actually like).

random song recommendation: Lisa Loeb: Firecracker: I do

I have great news!!

People, I am going to fight it out. Check back for details. I have to run to work, but for now know that the world has never looked better to me than it has these last 48 hours.

I'm out.


random song recommendation: Madonna: Confessions on a Dance Floor: Hung Up

I made my choice.

Today, only hours ago, I decided to completely give up on the semester as a whole and try for a medical withdrawal. With letters from my counselor and doctor regarding the treatment I have been pursuing these few months, it should go thru. What am I thinking? Well, I don't know whether to return in the spring or return at all. And I think this was the most expensive mistake I have made thus far in my life, minus maybe three years ago with this the first time when I lost all chance of having my scholarships back. I have the decision of whether to attempt the finals and see what could happen case the MW doesn't go thru. Note my last one went thru but the profs decided not to grant the change. But I don't think it is worth it really. I have a few days I guess.

I missed 2 tests today. I don't know why. The first: my alarm wasn't set correctly and I woke up and realized that due to busing I would miss at least half of the test if not more. The second: I was at school and decided it wasn't worth it.

Let me say this: I believe education and knowledge are the most important things in my life. Or at least they have been. Gaining this immeasurable amount of knowledge has been my dream since I was a child. As my dad could easily tell you, I was in college to be a student. I didn't know when I was going to finish because I never really wanted to. I wanted to learn everything and share this knowledge with others. Somewhere in all this, I lost that desire to learn to learn and had to go to school to correct all my past mistakes. If I only had this grade or that GPA it could make 3 years ago go away. But, alas, while mathematically, I could still prevail and complete all my classes with enough to pull a 2.0 and continue at UH. The drive isn't there. Even with my love of math, I don't want to look at each test for the rest of my life and know what percent it is valued at and how that percent effects the grade and in turn the semester and the rest of my UH life. I do plan on continuing my education, but how and when I do not know. I remember loving to read, to attend class, and to tutor. But that love has been shadowed with my desire to prove myself. It's just that I realized that the only person I have to prove anything to is myself. And this kill myself method isn't doing anything for me right now.

I guess that is it for now, I am out. (worktime)

random song recommendation: Third Eye Blind: Third Eye Blind: Good for you

It's been awhile, I guess, and it isn't looking good....

Well, people... things aren't looking good. I have 2 days of class left and then FINALS. At this moment, I could easily fail all 3 classes. Most people wouldn't look at it this way... but when the math is stacked against you, it isn't pretty. I could also pass all 3, but this I must admit will be the hardest thing ever like Ace-ing the final tests, A's on finals, and asking for late work to be accepted, or some crazy combo of said options. What does all this matter? Well, I need a 2.0 this semester or I am getting the boot for the second time. Only, getting back into school the next time will be VERY hard. And by VERY I mean like the hardest thing you have ever done to get in anything. Not only will I have to wait a year even to apply to get back in, but I will have to go through appeals, essays, and interviews, change my major for the 3rd/4th? time, go through another appeal with FinAid just for a chance at a PELL grant and loan for me to pay for part of class, along with other unforseen problems that I know will be there. Plus, I have to wonder how I will ever be able to explain my poor grades to future schools (ie grad school) and employers. Now, perhaps, readers are like ... "why did she allow herself to be in this position"... and I will tell you.

This semester has been one of the hardest of my life for no apparent reason at all. My 'illness' seems to have completely taken over me about 90% of the time. I can't focus, remember what I am supposed to do, or more correctly, have no drive to do the things I know I need to do. For those who don't know, I am on strong med's that drive me crazy, so I don't even want to take them but still try to. I am in the doctor's and counselor's offices often. Sometimes once a week; sometimes 3 times a week. I have begun walking away from treatment primarily because of the cost of visits, meds, tests, and constant blood tests.

What does the next 2 weeks hold for me? I do not know. What will happen with school? I don't know. I do know that in 2 weeks, I will be 23. And I will be exactly in the same place I was when I turned 20, getting kicked out of UH the first time, feeling like I was losing my mind and my life. Have I learned from my 'mistakes'? I guess I can say no. Perhaps, I pull this all out in the end. But even if I do, should I attempt school in the spring? I think not. I don't think I am supposed to be what my dreams are. I don't think I am strong enough mentally to "be what I want to be when I grow up". I just feel like I have lost my mind and don't know how it happened. Of course, updates will follow.

In other news, I lost my mom.
I asked my mother, if you can call her that, to never speak to me again or attempt to see me. I told her that I would like to never see her again for the things she has done in my life. She had the nerve to tell me that she "prays for me and prays I change my mind in the future when I see things differently". She said something about me understanding when I become a mom. The hell I will; I told her it would only make me realize more so how she failed as a mother these last 8 years. She cried at all this, how touching. What a selfish liar. I was touched by something someone told me when I spoke about issues with my 'mom'. I said I wanted a mother, who doesn't? She said, "Sometimes the things we want aren't things we need". I spend several days thinking about this and came to the conclusion that for the last 8 years of my life I have been seeking others to fill this void I have and the role of mother. It made me realize that I had lost my mother years ago. I can say at the moment, that I have the mom I have always wanted in someone else. God bless her for her love and kindness.

Onto other news... work is going okay. Christmas decorations are up, and I am hoping for guests. I am learning to bowl again without calculating my average every frame and counting pins like it is life or death. Believe me, these actions take all the fun out of it. So, I am getting better in that sense, but overall I still suck. A while back, I learned how to be a good loser and not be competitive with others; somehow I became competitive with myself instead. But then again, I am hard on myself all the time, so what's new.

Finally, I want to give shout outs to my dad and brothers for how they are helping me overcome this part of my life. Primarily daniel. My life has become so messed up and I don't know who to turn to sometimes, so I call/IM him. And let me say this: he keeps busy, still with all he goes through and does, he takes time to pass me words of wisdom, strength, and laughter. If I get to be what I want when I 'grow up' or when I am 'better/cured', I want to be like my brothers.

For now, I am out. Please note: didn't check for errors, and I could prolly talk more about everything... maybe I will later.

song recommendation: Something Corporate: North: The Runaway

well, I didn't just miss one class...

Okay, I missed them all. But what can I say. I finished that program that ended up being some 300 lines of code and I slept. People this busing thing is killing me. 3 hours on a bus each day gets to you, gets to you enough that you can't get up. Well, there is always next week. .... And as far as the busing, I chose it for myself. I live in a much better place now than I did before.

Okay, so Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
well, this being my favorite book, I knew the movie wouldn't be good enough and things would have to be cut. And let me tell you... things were cut (big time) and the plot was changed as well. It of course due to time, but I have an idea... if LOTR was 2 1/2 hours long but still missed enough to warrant an extended edition, well HP has the right to do the same thing... I know it wont happen, though. So, the plot changes... removed some characters completely, removed some locations completely, used to add some flair to scenes maybe for dramatical effect. It was clearly under different direction and follows more along the lines of HP3, and time between scenes was very choppy if you are familar with the book. But, of course, the nerdy fan I am will buy the movie and maybe even see it again in theatres. Okay, so there is alot I want to say about specific parts of the movie, but I will wait til more people have seen it. Let me just say this, what the hell happened in TASK 3? I'm out. Holla.

Random Download: Dave Matthews Band: Crash: Lie in our Graves

after harry potter

okay, I want to write a review of the film, but seeing how it is 3 in the morning and I need to get up in 4 hours and still have homework to do, it is going to have to wait a day. But I will say this: see it. Oh, and I am pretty sure I am going to miss that first class. I am horrible. I'm out.

Daily download recommendation: Lost Prophets: Start Something: Last Summer

The Entertainment Industry this season

Well, let me just say I have my favorites. So, here's a look at what's hot (to me) for theatre releases, dvds, tv, music, books, and the arts.

Big Screen:
Okay, clearly ---> HARRY POTTER

I will be seeing the following this season:
Rent; The lion, the witch, and the wardobe; Pride and prejudice

Movies:
New on DVD: Batman Begins; Charlie and the Chocolate Factory; Madagascar
Coming Soon: Polar Express; Mr and Mrs Smith; War of the Worlds

TV:
In all truth, I watch most of my tv shows on dvd. It allows me to watch a whole season in a week's time. What am I watching? dvd: Alias, all seasons; the Amazing race; roswell. on tv: house; sex and the city reruns; random programming (10-12a). other faves: west wing (before it changed); sex and the city(hbo version); family guy; sports, etc.

Music:
wow, where do I begin? Let me just say MP3 players are like one of the best inventions since the computer, microwave and dvd player.

song count on dell dj to date: 737 (barely any, really ... I am working on it.)

who's getting alot of play:
Dave Matthews Band, Our Lady Peace, Something Corporate (thx dmb), LostProphets, Chevelle, A Perfect Circle, Blindside (I could list several really.)

Reads:
rereading Harry Potter 4 and 5; Stephanie Plum novels; Thursday Next novels; Daily Cougar; free magazines (best buy promos); oh and I love my kids books so pick up the Jonathan Stroud books...

The Arts:
Houston Ballet: The Nutcracker is coming. I am excited about Swan Lake in Feb, though.
Houston Symphony: I attended a night dedicated to Mozart. It was amazing. If I can get tix to Handel's Messiah, I will do a little dance.

Well, thanks for viewing this list. I want to start doing some sort of summary periodically.

And I would like to add to every posting a random download recommendation.
/*People looking for cheap music with high quality should check out allofmp3.com*/

Recommendation: The Killers: Hot Fuss: Andy, you're a star

Soap box 1

Okay people... I know this is prolly pretty early on for me to go off, but this is something pretty close to my heart. It isn't the main drive in my life or anything but I think about it alot. And here is is...

RECYCLING

I know it sounds dumb, but here me out. After living in 3 apartments, none of which offer(ed) any sort of recycling options, I am worried about the cities throughout the country. So much trash piles up in just a few days, and this isn't even a large property. I am beginning to worry about how much people throw out and how it is going to come back and kick us in the butt as it is already beginning to. More and more articles are beginning to surface in publications about landfills, dumps, and waste centers regarding runoff, toxics, and air quality. Even though I don't have a car, I collect junk mail left at the mail center, my newspapers, cardboard boxes, etc to take to Recycling Center when I can. And I will be the first to say it isn't much, but I am trying. Last month I took some 30(?) pounds of paper, and I have the next load ready for the next car rental. So, I guess I will end with this: regardless of how small you compact a bag of trash or a truck full it still exists. So, I ask take little steps (or big ones) to help recycle, reuse, and conserve.

I am reminded of the Futurama episode where there was so much trash that it was launched into space and returned to almost collide with the earth. Think about it (recycling). Haha

Okay, so this is new.

Well, after hearing about blogs forever in every magazine and paper nowadays and learning that someone else had one here at blogger.com, I decided to dive right in. Let me just say, the last time I tried something like this, I failed horribly (ie geocities year(s) ago). Okay, so basically, I am going to want to write whatever and just see where it takes me. Makes sense. Currently, I write several items or record them with the help of a voice recorder, so I think the transition (sp?) will be easy. I am just going to say this now. I can't spell; so to help people realize that I have no idea how to spell a word, I throw "(sp?)" out there. Well, this first message is just to get something out there. I will update shortly with updates about school, work, Houston life, the arts, etc. I will try to include photos, links, and contact info in the future.

Thanks for those of you choosing to journey with me through the craziness of my life. Let me just say this: I haven't decided whether or not to catalog my 'illness' regularly or not, so that may be a future development.

Well, I am out for now. Linear Algebra (UH version) is going to be the death of me.