Can I quit now?
We are taught that you are never supposed to give up, throw in the towel, back down or walk away? So, why do I want to all the time?
I once read some exert from a book about walking away from unhealthy relationships and not feeling like a loser for doing so. I should have bought the book.
I find that everything I attempt I cannot complete. Or I don't want to. I want things in my life to go through cycles and then be over, to disappear. If I could have a new job every six months, it would be awesome. If I could forget that my mother exists, that would be nice too. If I could walk away from the crazy friendships I have and find healthy ones, that would be a godsend. So, why can't I? Is it okay to quit? Or is this my way of giving up, thinking things hurt me when perhaps they do not? I always find myself wondering how much can I handle mentally and emotionally. And when I find something that could kill me, I play with it and feed it. I am not talking objects or deadly animals here; I am speaking of situations I allow myself to fall into. But, it's like playing with fire. How many times do I have to be burned before I quit? So, is it okay to walk away? To find new passions, friends, loves? To find something that I actually enjoy doing or being a part of? To find a piece of stable ground?
I know I can perceive quitting as both a good and bad thing. I know I can see the battles in my life as both good and bad. For, where would I be or who would I be without those previous wars? I guess I just thought that as I battled all those times before, danger would be easier to recognize the next time around.
There is no answer to be given. No one to discover the 'right' path but myself. Perhaps, I just wish the people in these battles that I am fighting for or against knew.... But if they did, the emotional hell that I am always living in wouldn't exist.
And now, there is nothing to say. With that, I am out.
2 comments:
A few things in response to your last few blogs:
First, It is ok to quit. The important thing in life is to figure out what is important and spending your time and effort trying to get it if you have to. This is harder than it sounds because you have to be quiet and listen to your inner self, and you have to be ready to be honest with yourself. Don't chase dreams just because they meant something to you once way back when. Dreams change, just like everything else.
Second, although it is always nice to have someone there with you, to share your problems with, to laugh and cry with, there will be times in you life when you must keep going alone. That's just the way it is. But, even all alone on a dark path, no stars in the sky, no moon for light, the cold wind biting into your very soul, there is always a single rose, a beautiful thing, there beside your path. Don't let the darkness hide the miracles.
Third, in the end, college is not what you are looking for. At least, not in my opinion. You could find it there, but you could also find it in other places. You seek knowlege, and I know first hand that many people go to college and don't gain any true knowlege there. I also know that people who don't go to college can be just as wise as the next guy. I think that when you look back over you life, the knowlege that you've accumulated will mean more than a degree. So, don't give up.
Fourth, while it is ok for me to comment on your blog, you said that you wouldn't talk to me about what I write unless I started it. I don't want to sound mean, I just don't want to have to think about writing to you. I hope that make sense.
Fifth, I think you should keep up your pictures, but maybe not every day. Just when you see something that makes you want to take a picture. I've tried to blog every day before, and they just don't mean as much when I do. If I have something to write about, I write. That's all there is to it. It'll be interesting for you to look back in a year to see what kind of things you saw around you, so keep up with the pictures.
I hope that you find all of your dreams, but I hope even more that you learn the appreciate all of the beauty in life even in your darkest hours.
Don't talk to me about this comment.
wow, I am not sure of the approach we take to responding to each others blogs or comments, so I will write this and hope you see it....
I feel I write what I want for whoever to read and I think you do the same. Yet, there are times that you don't want someone to call you up and say "hey, what was that about on your blog... ?" So, that is why I am "oh if you want to talk about your entries with me cool or if you don't I wont ask..." And I hope that you will feel free to comment on posts rather than asking me about it say by phone or whatever...
I hope that clears up how I look at talking about our entries. I also want you to know that I enjoy your blog and that I respect and appreciate your comments here so please keep them coming...
As far as photos, I take them everyday and then post whenever. As if it is a weekly gallery or something...
well, with that... I am out!
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