A bit of honesty....

You guys I am not doing too good really. I am stressing at work and with financial matters. This being my first semester out of school in some time is also making me itch. I want so desperately to be in school but cannot seem to handle the stress that I apply to myself. I want to continue studying and work with some programming languages outside of school. I want so much so to get my life in order but cannot understand how to do so. I am keeping up with the photo a day thing, but only for my own enjoyment as no one seems interested in it but myself. I know in a few more weeks it will be just another chore that I foresee myself dropping. Tomorrow, I attend my last counseling session at UH. I am scared and have asked myself what am I going to say. The only thing I see myself saying is.....

I have no purpose. I have no direction. There is no way to correct the situation I have created for myself. And there is no one to blame, but myself. And for all the things I hate and the people I feel failed me, I did this. What do I live for? And if this is living, then why should I want it? Am I supposed to be looking towards a future that may never come hoping? And will I ever see myself as anything but a horrible failure? What do you do when no one wants you and there isn't anywhere to go? What do you do when you want to scream your pains to the world and you feel in the whole world there isn't a person who would hear if you did?

And what I will actually say will be something much similar to this.....

I will be fine. I am going to get through this. This something I feel I like I have learned from and made me a stronger person. I believe I have the strength to look to tomorrow and find a way to solve this problem.

I don't know why I lie to myself and others. I don't know why I fear my medication. And I am not sure when I gave up on myself. But I lie to everyone, struggle with treatment, and have no faith whatsoever in myself. Maria (the woman who gave birth to me) seems to think this is something I leave in God's hands. I don't believe God removes these types of diseases. I believe your mind is something you must have strength to control. Unfortunately, I have lost mine[mind]. And I am not sure that I have the ability to gain control of my life and stop making the mistakes that I repeatedly make. But this message to the world will only find deaf ears.....

To the few who find time to help me in their busy, stressful lives, thank you for holding my head above water. But I know eventually I will have to do it myself, and when that time comes when you aren't there, I pray I am stronger than I am now or have ever been.......