There is no title.

There is no title because I don't even know where to begin. I somehow hope that I can just start typing, and then it will be all out there and off my chest.

Today, something quite strange happened to me. Usually, every action has a reaction. But today my actions had none. That is to say there was no emotional reaction. Now for all you science buffs, something not occurring when it normally should still counts as a reaction. And yes I know I am skewing the whole concept by counting emotional reaction, but just roll with me here. I sat waiting for my mind to kick in and tell me what to feel, and there was nothing. Good, bad. Big, small. Happy, sad. Positive, negative. Nothing. And then it hit me, after an hour or so of trying to trick my mind into feeling something, anything; this inability to feel broke my heart. While I should have been happy that maybe I am no longer wearing my heart on my sleeve and that I can handle life now, I was angry, sad, and shocked. As those slowly faded away, there was just one feeling. As I have said before and will say million times more, regret (to me) is the worse feeling to ever know. There is nothing you can do to change the situation that you yourself caused, and you are forced into acceptance whether you like it or not. So, here I am, confused and broken-hearted because I let myself come to a point in my life where my actions don't affect me [emotionally]. I live off my emotions. Those emotions tell me how to respond to life and how to judge myself. And at the end of the day, I was left with just one emotion, regret, my ultimate nightmare. Regret for doing something, but not because it was stupid, dangerous or bad, but because it was meaningless.

If there is to be a lesson in all this, it would be to live. To live with passion and hope and happiness and even sorrow. To know your actions have reactions. To feel. I was foolish to ever long for a day to come when life didn't touch me. Yes, at one point, I thought numbness could trump it all. This is hard to write, because there isn't anything to be done. I can't change what finally pushed be across a line I have been approaching for as long as I can remember. I can't change the fact that months ago, today's events were supposed to be an accomplishment. And I don't know where to go from here.

So, here is to a messy, uncompleted entry for my loyal, imaginary readers. As it seems it was hard to begin, hard to write, and hard to end.

with that, I'm out.

Note: This entry was posted a day late due to internet connection failure.